Monday, October 31, 2011

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

(This essay was in an email I was sent by a friend).

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one' but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David.. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament.. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Order of the Orange and the Battle of the Diamond

The Battle of the Diamond birthed the Orange Order in Ireland that still exists to this day. The story of the battle has always been near and dear for two reasons. 1) Because one of the main players, Dan Winter, is one of our direct ancestors, and 2) because it is a true story of heroism and of men willing to take a stand for right, and defend that right when attacked with no cause. Dan Winter and his sons were working on their farm in Ireland, when they and the other Protestants in the area were warned that a band of the Defenders were on their way with weapons to attack the Protestant families that lived in Armagh. (Now you must remember that Ireland was split between Catholic and Protestant). The Defenders were of the Roman Catholic persuasion and determined to drive the Protestants out of the country. Dan Winter's property was right in the middle of the battleground he and his sons holed up in it until it was lit on fire and they had to retreat to Diamond Hill. The Protestants lost no lives; the Defenders (I find it ironic that they have the name "Defender" when they were the attackers) lost thirty. From this battle was birthed the Order of the Orange (The Irish flag has both green and orange signifying Protestant and Catholic). One of my dreams is to go to Ireland and see Dan Winter's cottage. If you would like more information about the Battle of the Diamond and the Order of the Orange go to: http://www.orangenet.org/winter/battle.html

The Battle of the Diamond

(21 September, 1795)

It was not in faction, it was not in hate,
 That we men of the North assembled;
 It was that our own and our children's fate,
 In the balance no longer trembled.

For there came - 'twas at night, a lawless band,
 Their ranks like a torrent swelling,
With the weapon of slaughter in each man's hand,
Where we in our homes, were dwelling.

Darkly they came, in the dead of night,
 They gave no word of warning,
 And they laughed at the blaze their brands should light, 
And the smoke that should greet the morning.

They paus'd--did they fear the storm they'd woke?
 That they faltered as forth we sallied?
 For we saw when the light of the morning broke,
 On the Diamond Hill they'd rallied.

What though they were many, and we but few,
Yet each to the conflict hasted,
 And the shot was sharp, and the aim was true,
 While that fearful struggle lasted.

Yes, last it did - aye, many a day!
 But the shield of our God was o'er us;
 Till at last, like a quarry long held at bay,
We drove them like chaff before us.

Then blame us not, when all was o'er,
 And we looked on the dead around us,
If then, and for ever, an oath we swore,
To be found as that day had found us.

Stern and steadfast, and linked as one,
 On God and ourselves relying; 
Seeking quarrel or feud with none,
 But all on our hearths defying.

Traverse who will that wretched land, 
Now rife with revolt and riot;
 And where'er ye shall hear of our loyal band
 There alone shall ye find it quiet.

Yes! cold suspicion, and scoff, and scorn, 
And caiumny, have assailed us; 
Aye! hard though it was - all these we've borne,
 Not once have our true hearts failed us.

We have bided our time - it is well nigh come!
 It will find us stern and steady;
 It will need not to rouse us with trumpet or drum,
 For our hearts and our arms are ready.